Four-Year-Old Thinks I Don’t Love Her

Melanie Miller explains:

• Rewards and punishments often create cycles of rebellion, revenge, or retreat. Children can feel punished even when not receiving a reward.
• Misbehavior often signals discouragement. Your daughter may feel she lacks belonging or significance at the moment.
• Positive Discipline focuses on building children’s self-worth and cooperation rather than using punishment or reward.
• Kind and firm parenting, problem-solving, mutual respect, and encouragement lead to better long-term behavior and trust.

• See misbehavior as a sign of discouragement. Approach with calmness and compassion instead of frustration.
• Validate feelings: “I noticed you felt really sad when I didn’t have time to read your book to you.”
• Ask curiosity questions in a kind tone to understand her perspective.
• Provide time for social skill training: help her use words for anger, request help respectfully, and interact positively with others.
• Engage her in problem-solving: “What could we do when you feel upset with your brothers?” Let her propose solutions and try them.

• Shift from punishment/reward to kind and firm guidance.
• Work to build respectful relationships at home so she feels heard and valued.
• Encourage independence and responsibility in small ways.
• Maintain consistency and calm communication to reinforce trust.
• Consider reading Positive Discipline books for preschool children to reinforce these strategies.