Adopted Child Having Major Tantrums“We have adopted a couple of children. Through the orphanage they found that if they threw gigantic fits they would get whatever they wanted. In our home it is structured and fits are not allowed. We are at a crossroads with one of our daughters. Her state at this point in time is that we love her older sister better, her older sister has everything and she has nothing (which of course is not true at all)... What would you suggest in disciplining her? Time outs do not seem to be working and now she is resorting to cruel statements. Thoughts?” — Sara Hello Sara, thanks for sharing your situation. This is a big challenge, and it’s important to recognize both the history and emotions behind your daughter’s behavior. Here are some Positive Discipline–based insights and suggestions: All children have a core need to belong and feel significant. For many adopted children, especially those from institutional care, this need was not consistently met early in life. Their mistaken belief may be: “I only matter when I misbehave.” Tip: Focus on building connection, not just correcting behavior. Taking things away or using traditional time-outs often increases feelings of rejection and hurt. These strategies may reinforce her belief that she doesn’t belong. Instead: Use Positive Time Out — a safe, calming space with comforting items where she chooses to go when overwhelmed.
When she says “You love my sister more,” don’t explain or defend. Simply acknowledge: “Sounds like you feel sad/hurt.” This validates feelings without fueling the drama. Help her feel significant by contributing to the family:
Encourage reflection and problem-solving:
Some adopted children have early trauma that impacts brain development and emotional regulation. They may react strongly to situations that seem small to others. Trauma experts like Bessel van der Kolk remind us that these children often interpret rules or correction as punishment. Be clear that your goal is to help, not hurt. | 
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